Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
