Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
