I just pynch a tree in the face
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
