did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
True strength comes from lack of pants
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
