Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
