Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
