i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
