Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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