he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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