Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
