Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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