Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
