Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
