Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
