If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
