Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
