Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
