im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I love you.
Bad choice
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
