This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
