I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My ass is underappreciated
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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