I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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