Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
