Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
