I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
