Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
