dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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