when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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