Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
