Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You're like the curious george of whores
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
