I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
