I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
