Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
