I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
