meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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