Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
