I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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