My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
