Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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