he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
