while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
