i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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