I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
