I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
