I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
