You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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