there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
