I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you had me at cake vodka
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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