LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
