being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I wear drunk well.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
