Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
