Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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